My ISP shat all over me

17 03 2011

WARNING: This post contains explicit content!
(but I could not do much for the title in the manner of warnings now, could I!)

No can do

16 Mar 2011 – sometime just before midnight
Its bloody late and the clock’s fast approaching midnight and I still cannot get a connection through this EVDO usb modem. Net junkie, you might say. But I have to seriously send an urgent email. Every time I hit this connect button I keep getting the same error and my eyelids are growing quite… quite heavy… words may not come out … come out sounding rrriight….bljDSnsjfdn

Anyway, what I was going to say is that by the end of this week I shall be banking with ANZ if all goes well. That is, if they ride with me and take the joke and processes my application.

Telikom is next in my cross-hair. First I keep getting downtime on my connection, it’s no joke anymore. Heck, Telinet sure would give PNG Power a run for its money if they were competing in the ‘highest number of black-outs’ stakes.

But it’s not only downtime I have to contend with now. Without a single notice they have gone ahead to slash the usage rate by half. So now I get a lousy 50 Mb for K20 instead of 100 Mb. Where’s the bloody courtesy here?  At least a word or a notice in the paper would have sufficed.

What’s worse is that the rate at which my internet credits are running out is just beyond belief. It doesn’t even feel like 50 Mb for K20 anymore. Feels more like 10MB for K20.

I fear there’s a gremlin somewhere eating into my credits. [Insert echos of evil laughter here] But there’s no mechanism in place for me to verify the validity of such an assumption. Who knows? If some Telikom type is reading this then they may go, “You know what they say about assumptions?”

“Yeah sure. Fuck CIA!”

“Why not call customer service?” you ask. Sure. I’m lucky if my call gets picked up within the first minute. Then half the time I have to contend with a very smug sounding customer service personal on the other end who gets my details down and promise to call me, which they do 0 out of 10 times from my last count.

On most other days (forget nights) a transcript of my call to customer care will look something like this.

Yours Truly: He-helloo?
Help Desk: Yes, how may we help you?
YT: Oh, I’m having problems going onto the net.
HD: Ok, what’s exactly the problem?
YT: Your Mama!

Oops. Sorry. Wrong transcript. Here’s the correct one. 🙂

HD: Hello Helpdesk. How may I help you?
YT: Oh yes thanks. I am having problems connecting to the internet through my EVDO modem.
HD: What seems to be the problem?
YT: I keep getting error number 718.
HD: OK, where are you located?
YT: Why, Moresby of course.
HD: Where exactly in Moresby?
YT: Hey is this relevant? Im sure all of the suburbs in POM get fair coverage, yeah? Anyway, don’t worry about it. I live in Morata. That’s right. Land of the free, home of the brave!
HD: Sorry, what was that?
YT: Morata.
HD: Oh ok. What’s your user acc number?
YT: Its 34#####
HD: OK, whats your password?
YT: Why do you want my password?
HD: So that we can reset your account
YT: But don’t you have a backend mechanism to handle such cases without me having to divulge my password to you?
HD: What is a backend mechanism?
YT: That’s another name for a back-hoe.
HD: How do you expect a backhoe to fix your internet problem?
YT: Why, how so dumb of me of course. Back-hoe, backend, back-hoe, backend, back…
HD: Where is this going?
YT: To Rakpana Kui Olge, where else? All I’m saying is, is there any way you can do this without me having to give my password to you?
HD: No there isn’t. If you want me to help you then you have to give me your password.
YT: Oh well. Its 1234.
HD: Ok, I will reset your account. You have to wait 5 minutes after which time all should be ok for you to dial in again.
YT: OK, thank you.
HD: Some of you people do not follow instructions at all. When we say 5 minutes, you wait 5 minutes. Not 4 minutes or 4 and a half minutes.
YT: Sorry what?
HD: Yeah traim na harem tok sampla taim nabad
YT: But I didn’t…

<beep, beep, beep>

Good Laurde! You get the picture?

And I wanted to inquire about that laps of 30 seconds between 4 and a half minutes and the 5 minute mark. Funny thing is, another such call but to a different operator saw this ‘reset’ business done while I was still on the phone with them. Strange.

The logic is just not there. So where is the service? Value for money? I could go on but you get the picture.

So now I am looking at the alternatives out there (limited!).

I am thinking Hitron. I’ll keep you folks posted.


17 Mar  2011 – An Addendum (sometime in the morning before work.)

Well what have we here? Upon another unsuccessful attempt, I called 1531, the Telinet held desk and lo and behold.

The sweet barbie-doll voice of the ever faithful automatic assistant steps in:

“Welcome to Telikom PNG. Due to unforeseen circumstances, we are unable to attend to your call right now. Please delay your call and try again later.”

Well, that’s just grand. Guess I’ll call back next year.



A Kange Country Singing Sensation

10 03 2011

I was at the Botanical Gardens just outside the University of Papua New Guinea attending this barbecue or a party of sorts. There were quite a good number of people there, a fair portion of which were from the Western Highlands Province.

Anyway, here I was standing with these Kange gentlemen sharing a joke when suddenly one of them – who if I can remember correctly was a Jiks Opr – broke into song and boy, he could sing like a Country & Western star alright. He had all his twangs and dips and rises down pat as his lyrics rode on the steel guitar like a pro who just rode in from El Paso with his fiddles aflutter.

Eat your heart out, Digicel Superstar” I was thinking with a smile, all taken by this display of brilliant artistry by a Western Highlander, a Papua New Guinean – my own countryman. Hell yeah!

But when I looked around not even a single one of the people standing around bothered to bat an eyelid, much less pause for an appraisal as he belted out one sick number after another. I couldn’t help but notice this obvious lack of interest.  “Hang on. Didn’t you people just see and hear that? This IS a Country music sensation from PNG in the making!” But I did not want to break the flow so I held my peace and dismissed them from thought.

It was then that my alarm went off and I woke up with a start, just in time to hear Diamond Rio fade into denouement on the radio.

Diamond Rio


Kick Ass Tok Pisin Joke (explicit content)

25 01 2011

WARNING: This post contains explicit content. Not for the faint at heart. This is your last chance to turn back! You have been warned.!!!

I received an SMS from a friend this afternoon. Normally I’m not big on all these SMS jokes but this one really left me in tatters. I just bawled out with tears in my eyes. Now, without further ado…



Hell kol lo wanpla nait na Satan belhat wantaim na askim ol paiaman blong em

“Hoi,  b’long wanem na yupla no mekim paia?”

Olgeta boi passim maus stap go inap wanpla bikhet bret bekim na tok,

“Bos, bik nem man blo kuap ass lo graun idai aste na nau em kam kamap pinis lo Hell olsem na olgeta boi poret lo bend daun na winim paia!”


🙂 Mi dai…. 🙂


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